Good sex takes work.

Let’s bust the myths that say good sex should just happen automatically.

We’ve seen it 1000 times ~ it’s in all the classic movies and stories. They meet, they kiss, they fall in love, and they magically have great sex happily ever after. Our culture conditions us to believe that when our soulmate shows up one day, they’ll do it perfectly for us without us even having to ask them for what we want.

These myths are destructive for so many reasons.

When challenges happen in our own erotic lives we feel shame, we feel inadequate, and we blame ourselves and our partners for not being perfect. We feel like we need to ditch the lover we have and keep searching for someone who’s “meant” for us, we give up on asking for what we desire, and we we stop looking for creative ways to get our needs met.

I’m here to tell you that good sex takes work.

Just like any skill it takes time, effort, and practice to teach your partner(s) to please you in the special unique ways that work for you, and to learn to please them in turn. And it’s totally normal to face some bumps and hiccups along the way.

If you feel challenged or dissatisfied in your sex life I want you to know you are not alone and I’m here to support you. The skills needed to create hot sex are teachable and learnable, and if you haven’t mastered them yet it is not because you are broken!

A simple practice to start reframing how you think about sex:

Below are a few of the damaging myths about sex that are widely circulated today, as outlined in the book “Making Love Real” by Danielle Harel PhD & Celeste Hirschman MA.

Take a moment to sit with each one and check if you’ve been believing it, even on a subconscious level. Sometimes we don’t even realize the deep underground beliefs we’ve been programmed with until we do a thorough scan. Notice how these myths may be causing misunderstanding, fear, sadness, and a lack of connection with your partner(s). Then try on the reframing belief and check to see how it feels for you.

Damaging Myth #1:

Sex is supposed to happen spontaneously

People often mourn the early stages of relationship when sex “just happened.” But, if you think about it, dating is essentially planned sex or erotic connection. By scheduling a date you’re setting aside time for connection, and then fantasizing about it, getting dressed up, and getting excited to spend time together. As the relationship goes on many people stop carving out this time for just for intimate connection and sex soon falls to the wayside.

Reframe: If you want your sex life to last you need to make a commitment to consciously cultivate your sexual connection.

Damaging Myth #2:

You should just know how to have good sex naturally

In a culture where sex is so shamed and repressed, we get many messages telling us not to talk about sex, or have sex at all. Most education around sex focuses on the dangers of STIs and pregnancy, with little or no focus on pleasure. And then one day we’re expected to fall in love and be amazing at sex when there’s been no place to safely talk about it, learn, experiment, and practice. We play it cool because we’re worried that someone will find out we don’t know what we’re doing, and often don’t even talk to our partners about it.

Reframe: You will need to experiment and learn about what feels good to you and your partner, instead of believing you should just know. It’s okay to be vulnerable and approach sex as something you are exploring and experimenting with.

Damaging Myth #3:

Sex is supposed to be perfect

We’re constantly inundated with images of perfect sex in romantic books and movies, porn, music videos, advertisements, etc. In these scenes people wordlessly fall in love, are endlessly horny and dtf, have perfect bodies, and easily reaching states of orgasmic ecstasy. We rarely see depictions of what a realistic and fulfilling sexual experience might be like, and hardly ever see the awkward moments where someone gets poked or makes a funny sound. And we pretty much never see a scene in which someone is teaching a partner about how they desire to be touched or spoken to during sex.

Reframe: Yes, there are moments where things flow wondrously, where the stars align, and both people get to experience the delicious feeling of getting exactly what they desire. AND there are moments where sex can be awkward and frustrating, where you miss the mark, and where its just ho-hum. Sex won’t always be easy and is rarely perfect, but it can be truly fulfilling.

Damaging Myth #4:

If they loved me they would know what I want without me telling them

While there are many wonderful people out in the world with whom you can have a delicious relationship, not one person is going to know what you need all of the time, or even enough of the time, without you having to ask. Every person’s sex and relationship needs are specific and unique, so how could someone automatically know what they are? We wait, patiently or not so patiently building resentment, or we break up with great people because they aren’t giving us what we haven’t even told them we need. It sucks!

Reframe: To receive the kind of love you want, and to give your partner the kind of love they want, means you have to be willing to teach them how to love you, and to learn how to love them in turn. This is a process that takes time and intentionality.

Damaging Myth #5:

If I have to ask, it doesn’t count

This myth branches off from myth #4. When you feel like the right partner should “just know” what to do to give you exactly what you like it can feel like if you have to ask it doesn’t count. Not true! Learning how to love each other is a process that takes time and patience.

Reframe: The truth is that when you ask for something and your partner does it, it counts twice—once because they bothered to listen, and once because they cared enough to try to give you what you wanted. Learning takes time so you may have to ask for what you want many times, allow your partner to practice, give loving feedback, and try again!

Need some help creating the sex life you’ve always dreamed of?

I highly recommend reading the book “Making Love Real” by Danielle Harel PhD & Celeste Hirschman MA as a great starting place to learn more tools to cultivate a hot sex life.

Or perhaps you’re ready for some one-on-one support! I love teaching people how to get a LOT more of what they desire out of sex. I want to help you release shame about who you are and what you need, and to create a safe place for you to practice the new skills necessary to feel empowered around getting those needs met.

Click here to set up a 30 minute Intro Session with me, and let’s dissolve whatever’s blocking you from getting the kinds of love and intimacy you yearn for.